Monday, 29 April 2013

DISCOURTEOUSLY BLUNT

"Brusk" is the word used to describe someone who is 'discourteously blunt' and it unfortunately is a solid representation of my personality a great deal of the time.

I am trying to fully acknowledge that I have a huge character fault; I do not abide betrayal or slights against myself. I am not sure how I developed this idea, but looking back on my life I see how I have burned some friends for petty reasons and I'm beginning to view myself as quite the asshole whereas I have always thought of myself as a good person. In the ways that it really matter to my integration into society, I am lacking. I still have a ways to go yet...

A lot of this has to be so ingrained in my persona that it has become a defence mechanism and likely carries across in my demeanour in a way which I am not fully aware. I see now that I often avoid some people because I feel even the smallest twinge of disloyalty or betrayal against my person, and this is not good.

I'm quite certain that all of this is based in fear which was wrought from having been betrayed many, many years ago in some defining way. A friend helped me to realize recently that I do not currently posses the ability to forgive, or if I do, it is shrivelled and dried up. It goes so far that I am not even able to forgive myself. I'm not sure exactly how one learns forgiveness and in speaking about it now I feel like a complete and utter idiot.

I have a tendency to beat the absolute living fuck out of myself for the minutest of faults. Unfortunately, I also hold everybody else to the same standard, which I see is unhealthy. I tend to have bouts of idealization where I feel wronged by someone and get really moody as a way of passive-aggressively asserting my displeasure, which probably comes off as me just being a moody asshat. Despite being able to write and acknowledge that, I will likely continue to fall back on that mechanism until I can actualize the damage in a very meaningful way. I've survived this long, so I obviously need a stronger message to club me across the noggin'.

There are far too many personal character issues that I try to deal with in my mind on a minute-by-minute basis that it is at times maddening. I think I have hurt too many friends because of stubbornness and fear, and despite wanting to change I find it to be extremely difficult. I wish there were an easier way to explain this to people that matter to me who are not aware how much they matter, but fear keeps me from straight up telling them how I feel.

I want my friends to know why I can be difficult at times. Otherwise they'll view me as a complete basketcase and soon enough I won't have any proper friends.

I deal with these thoughts on a daily basis, regardless of what is happening in my life. It's unfortunate that at times there are small issues which will exacerbate these thoughts and feelings, and I am trying to get myself beyond them.

A 'confession' like this is probably going to do more damage than good in terms of my character in the eyes of others, but I figure that if I keep doing this eventually I will properly realize what I tool I've been and that is my ultimate goal, even if I look like a completely immature fool to you, dear reader, for the time being.

The point of this blog is primarily to help me overcome my fears and eventually be comfortable with who I am and the things in which I believe. So these embarrassing posts must stand in the hope that when I meet you next I will have grown beyond where I am at the moment of writing entries such as these.

- Dave

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